Joke of the Day [Archive]

Scorpion8

09-25-2008, 09:02 AM

One day, while walking a path in the savannah, a female elephant steps on a thorn and gives a great howl. A nearby mouse hears the ruckus and goes to investigate. Finding the elephant in severe pain, the mouse gingerly approaches, knowing elephants are deathly frightened by mice. He climbs gently onto the elephants shoulder and asks if there is anything he can do to help.

The elephant, startled at first by the appearance of the mouse, desperately asks the mouse to pull the thorm from her enourmous foot. The mouse runs down and grabs the thorn in his teeth, then pulls with all his might. WIth a little *POP*, the thorn pulls free. The gracious elephant thanks the mouse over and over, demanding the mouse request something of her in return. After a long embarassing look, the mouse coyly states he has always fantasized about making love to an elephant. Blushing, the elephant agrees.

Meanwhile a large monkey in a nearby tree watches this unfold in amazement, as the horny little mouse runs up the elephants hind leg and proceeds to mount her with all his rodent-fury. The monkey quickly grows disgusted and starts throwing large nuts from the branches of the tree at the copulating pair, in rapid fire. After three direct hits to the elephant's head: "Ow, OOh!...Ouch!"

The mouse was heard feverishly yelling: "That's right baby! Take it all!".

itlldue

09-25-2008, 09:40 AM

A little old man walks in to the local church, walks up to the priest, and says, "Father, I have a confession to make". The priest takes a seat, looks at the old man, and says, "Go ahead, my son".

The man hesitates, the says, "Father, many years ago during the war, when I was a young lad, this girl came to my door late one night. She was terrified of being caught by German soldiers, so I hid her in my attic. When they came to my door looking for her, I lied and told them I didn't know where she was."

The priest thinks for a moment, then says, "My son, although it is a sin to tell a lie, those were trying times. By doing what you did, you saved one of God's children. You need not worry."

The old man sighed and said, "There's something else I must confess. In exchange for hiding her, and providing food and a place to sleep, I took sexual favors."

The priest thinks for a few more minutes, then says,"Although extramarital sex is also a sin, being that you both were young, unmarried, and unaware of the consequences, I believe that living with the shame of it for all these years shall be considered "punishment" enough. Go and be happy!"

The little old man stands up, smiles, and says, "Thank you, Father! I can now live in peace! May I ask you one more question, though?"

"Yes, my son" he answers. "Ask anything you want!"

He looks up and asks, "Should I tell her the war is over????"

Acoustic

09-25-2008, 11:44 AM

This real big guy walks into a drinking establishment, sits down in the middle of the bar and orders a drink. He slams it down and looks to the left of him and says, "You guys to the left of me. Your all nothing but a bunch of motherf#@kers!. You got a problem with that?" Silence from the group but they all nod there heads yes. He then orders another drink. Slams it down and looks to the guys on the right of him and says, "All you guys to the right of me, your all just a bunch of cocks#ckers. Any of you got a problem with that?" Again a bunch of nods but one man from the right starts walking towards the big guy. Big guy says, "You got a problem?". The man just says, "No, I'm just sitting on the wrong side!"

BroonsBane

09-25-2008, 01:15 PM

Ar ar ar ar ar :D

hakka26

09-25-2008, 08:03 PM

Man walks into a bar with a toad on his head. Bartender, looks, and asks how that happened. Toad says, "Would you believe it started as a wart on my ass?"

MacGyver

09-26-2008, 07:27 AM

ALL. YOUR. BASE. ARE. BELONG. TO. US... HA. HA. HA...

vinyldavid

10-03-2008, 10:48 AM

A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Acoustic

10-03-2008, 11:53 AM

Good one David....

Elderly man an woman sitting in on the front porch talking about there 50 years of marriage. The man gets up out of his chair and whacks the woman and she says... "What the hell was that for?" He says, "That's for all the years of terrible sex". A time later she gets up and whacks him back and he asks the same, "What the hell was that for??". She says, "That's for knowin' the difference!"

Marc Hugo

10-07-2008, 03:47 AM

NEWS UPDATE

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market that started in America, the run on Northern Rock in the UK and the recent fire sale of various US & UK banking institutions, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

ENDS

Fairchild

10-07-2008, 05:12 AM

Monkey joke, follow the link.

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=XS9sRbNRUAc

Jim

itlldue

10-07-2008, 12:52 PM

Two ladies decide to spend the afternoon shooting a round of golf. About halfway through the round, one of the ladies hits an errant shot that strikes a man playing in a foursome up ahead. He falls to the ground in a fetal position with both hands cupped below his waist. The lady runs up, and expecting the worst, says, "Here, let me take a look". The man says, "Never mind, I'll be OK." "I can help", she says, to which he replies, "Don't worry about it." She kneels down and says, "I'm a physical therapist, and I can help". She then proceeds to unbutton his pants, unzip his fly, reach inside, and starts massaging the "area". After about five minutes of therapy, she asks, "How does that feel now?"

"Fine", he says, "But I still think my thumb is broken!"

Acoustic

10-07-2008, 01:12 PM

Acoustic

10-07-2008, 01:20 PM

Husband and wife playing golf. On the 14th hole, straightaway par 4, off the tee the woman sliced her drive to the right and the man hooked his left. She hits her ball up by the green then notices the husband is stymied by a barn. To close to go over, can't hook or slice around... she suggests that he opens the barn doors on both sides, hood a 2 iron and hit a low screamer thru the open barn doors up to the green. He agrees. He hits the shot then while it was going thru the barn it rises, hits a rafter, ricochets back and hit's his wife in the head and kills her. Months later he's playing the same hole with a friend and he ends up in the same location. The friend, unknowing of what happened before, suggests the same tactic. The guy just says... "No, last time I did that I took an 8".

itlldue

10-07-2008, 02:33 PM

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, started to daydream a little and forgot where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Embarassed, he thanked her again and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't", he responded.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off his stool.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

Fairchild

10-09-2008, 08:24 AM

The Sequel

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n43/Virago_1986/broke.jpg

Jim

hakka26

10-10-2008, 01:51 AM

God and St. Peter get together for a round of golf. On the first hole God hooks the ball into the water. A fish swallows the ball then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish. As it flies off it loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The ball pops out and rolls in to the hole for an ace. St. Peter turns to God and says, "Are you here to play golf or screw around?"

Fairchild

10-13-2008, 10:34 AM

A couple of drunks in a bar were comparing "how drunk I was stories".

First Drunk, " I was so drunk last night I woke up on the front porch blowing chunks"

Second Drunk, "Well heck that ain't so bad."

First Drunk, "You say that, but Chunks is my dog"

Jim

itlldue

10-13-2008, 01:34 PM

One Saturday evening, a woman walks down the hall in her house and hears a strange noise coming from her older daughter's bedroom. She opens the door and sees her lying on the bed, "pleasuring" herself with a vibrator. Horrified, she calls for her husband. He looks in the door, sees the same thing, and asks, "What the hell is going on?"

"Relax!" answers the daughter. "Let's face it, I'm thirty five, single, no dates, and no social life. This is probably as close to a husband as I'll ever get, so just leave me alone". The parents close the door and leave.

The next day, the mother is working in the kitchen and hears strange sounds coming from the living room. She looks in, and sees the husband sitting on the couch, drinking a beer, eating some chips, with the vibrator sitting next to him, just buzzing away. "WHAT THE F*#% IS GOING ON?" she screams.

He answers, "Oh, nothing. Just watching a little football with my son-in-law".

Fairchild

10-14-2008, 03:52 AM

:-)<-:-oo:-oo

Jim

itlldue

10-15-2008, 05:26 PM

A recent divorcee goes to the grocery store to do her weekly shopping. While at the checkout counter, she notices the young, handsome, muscular ,teenage boy bagging her groceries. She gives him a smile and wink while he's loading the bags in the shopping cart, and they head outside. As soon as they're in the parking lot, she gently brushes up along side him and whispers, "You know, I've got an itchy pu$$y!" He looks at her and says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to point it out......all them foreign cars look the same to me."*eyepop*

itlldue

10-16-2008, 10:40 AM

A highway patrolman pulls an Amish lady and her horse and buggy over on a rural country road. He walks up and says, "I don't intend to issue a citation, but I noticed that one of the reflectors on the rear of your buggy is hanging crooked. If it falls off, it could be dangerous."

She smiles and says, "Oh, thank thee, officer. I shall have my husband attend to it as soon as I arrive home!"

The officer replies,"You're welcome, ma'am, and I also noticed that one of your reigns is wrapped around your horse's testicles. That could REALLY be a problem!" She thanks him again, and he walks back to his car and drives off.

The Amish lady proceeds on home, pulls the buggy in the barn where her husband is, and says,"A fine young officer informed me that one of the reflectors on the back of the buggy is loose, and needs attention."

He looks at it, and says, "Take thyself into the house, and I shall repair it as soon as I'm finished feeding the cows."

She heads toward the house, then turns around and says, Oh, by the way - he also said something might be wrong with the emergency brake!"

stuartypoorty

10-16-2008, 11:53 AM

Two Glaswegians are walking down the road when they stop to look in a bakers window, one says to the other, "is that a cake or a meringue?".

The other replies, "naw it's an eclair".

MacGyver

10-16-2008, 12:01 PM

okay, a priest, a minister and a rabbi... AAWWW, i don't remember the rest!!!!*headache*

stuartypoorty

10-16-2008, 12:33 PM

Q. Why do Russian policemen go around in fours?

A. One to drive, another to ask the questions, the third to write down the answers and the last to keep an eye on those three intellectuals.

itlldue

10-16-2008, 12:49 PM

okay, a priest, a minister and a rabbi... AAWWW, i don't remember the rest!!!!*headache*

.....are discussing how they distribute the money from collections every Sunday. The minister says, "All of the checks go to God and the church - the cash I use for petty purchases around here." The rabbi says, "I draw a circle around me on the floor, and drop the money. Anything that stays in the circle is mine, and whatever falls outside goes to God the church." The priest thinks , then says, "I put all the money in one pot, hold it out, and close my eyes. I figure if God wants any, he can take it!"

Scorpion8

10-20-2008, 06:19 PM

Redneck Tractor Pull

http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p141/Scorpion008/RedneckTractorPull.jpg

itlldue

10-28-2008, 06:24 PM

Bobby and Susie were walking home from first grade, and Susie asks, "Bobby, what is this "penis" thing the teacher was talking about in health class today? Bobby answers, "I'm not really sure, but I'll ask dad when I get home. He knows everything! Upon arriving home, he asks his dad, who proceeds to stand up, unzip his fly, produce his "example", and says , "This is a penis, and THIS one is a PERFECT penis!"

The next morning on the way to class, Suzie asks Bobby if he got the answer to her question. Bobby leads her behind some bushes, unzips his fly, exposes his, and says, "This is a penis, and if it were four inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis.

Fairchild

10-29-2008, 04:15 AM

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n43/Virago_1986/fat2-1.jpg

Haulin Ass *eyepop*

Jim

Scorpion8

10-30-2008, 08:29 AM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started…
================================================== =====================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

================================================== ===================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
================================================== ===================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later..

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair..

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

================================================== =============

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My Gosh!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== ==========

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
sooooooooooo stressed and little things just seem terribly funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..…... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

itlldue

10-30-2008, 08:34 AM

My wife started bitchin' about the money I spend on beer. Then, she comes home one day with about forty dollars worth of makeup. I asked her why THAT was OK, and she said, " It's so I'll look pretty for you!"

I said, "That's what the beer is for!"

That's when the fight started.

vinyldavid

11-02-2008, 03:39 PM

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Rex Everything

11-02-2008, 06:28 PM

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a148/ampegmang/whatthebeerisfor2_146.jpg

Scorpion8

11-02-2008, 08:56 PM

Just for Des ...

The Harley Davidson

A man had been saving money for years to be able to afford his dream machine - a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Finally, one day he has enough money to afford one.

He goes into the showroom and picks out his favorite. While completing the paperwork, the salesman asks him if he would like to purchase the optional Chrome Protection Package. Disappointed because he doesn't have enough money for this option, the man
shakes his head no.

The salesman says, "That's okay, don't worry about it. I'll tell you what you do - When you notice it's going to rain, take some petroleum jelly and coat the bike's chrome with it. That will protect it perfectly."

Happily, the man rides his new Harley home. Heeding the salesman's advice, the man never left home without a small tin of Vaseline in his pocket.

One day, his girlfriend invites him to her parents house for dinner. She gives him one warning: "My family has a tradition at the end of every meal. Once everyone is finished eating, the first person who speaks has to wash the dishes."

They hopped on his Harley and rode to her parents house. The two couples had a spectacular dinner, and now everyone was finished eating. Suddenly the room went silent. The man remembered the warning his girlfriend had given him and stayed silent also, happy to participate in the game.

After two hours, the man decided that things were getting a little carried away, and decided to do something to make someone speak. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and proceeded to make wild passionate love to her.

After they had finished, he thought surely someone would say something, instead her parents just sat there with a look of surprise on their faces, but still, no one spoke. The man then grabbed her mother, threw her on the table and had wild sex with her. When they were finished, still no one uttered a word.

In the distance, the man heard thunder, and immediately his attention turned to his motorcycle. He reached in his pocket and took out the tin of Vaseline. At once, the father jumped up and shouted, "Wait!! I'll do the dishes!"

Scorpion8

11-08-2008, 03:44 AM

Over the past few months I have forwarded some inappropriate pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor.

Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow.

If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.

From now on I will only post or send e-mail with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris . It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. It was completed in 1604.

http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p141/Scorpion008/FrenchBridge.jpg

gamve

11-08-2008, 04:19 AM

Acoustic

11-08-2008, 07:58 AM

From now on I will only post or send e-mail with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Sheeesh Scorp...you can't even keep to your word in your apology... to me that looks like a rather new monument... but give you credit on the 'nature and interesting topic'! *eyepop* *grin*

Scorpion8

11-08-2008, 07:59 AM

.... but give you credit on the 'nature and interesting topic'!

The architectural style is well captured and artfully framed, don't you think?

itlldue

11-08-2008, 02:41 PM

From now on I will only post or send e-mail with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Thank you for your concern. I also appreciate feats of engineering. I think you'll notice a more-than-familiar example of what man can build here:

http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii48/itlldue/BBs/bigboobs.jpg

Scorpion8

11-08-2008, 02:48 PM

Thank you for your concern.

This one answers that one....

http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p141/Scorpion008/tshirt5.jpg

itlldue

11-08-2008, 05:40 PM

http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii48/itlldue/CornMaze.jpg

Acoustic

11-08-2008, 05:52 PM

The architectural style is well captured and artfully framed, don't you think?
The curves are also fantastic!*eyepop*

itlldue

11-10-2008, 05:05 PM

A girl is invited to her boyfriend's house for dinner and to meet his parents. They all take their places at the table, and Ginger, the family dog, crawls under the table and lays at the young lady's feet. Part way through dinner, she feels a slight gas pain and lets a little fart slip. The smell is atrocious, and the boyfriend looks under the table and says "Ginger!" The girl breathes a sigh of relief. A few minutes later, she lets another fly, this time worse than the first. The mother wrinkles her nose, looks under the table, and says, "GINGER!!!" Once again the girl is safe. After a few minutes more, she lets a huge one loose, which catches the attention of the father. He lifts up the tablecloth and says, "GINGER!! Get out from under the table before she sh*ts all over you!"*eyepop*

Scorpion8

11-10-2008, 05:10 PM

http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p141/Scorpion008/DogKodakMoment.jpg

Rat44

11-10-2008, 05:25 PM

http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p141/Scorpion008/DogKodakMoment.jpg

Thats just Wrong!

niklasthedolphin

11-11-2008, 04:36 PM

Please take it for what it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDMlt_86Zp0

"dolph"

Acoustic

11-12-2008, 09:54 PM

A guy walks up to Michael Richards and says: I hear your doing stand up comedy again.

Michael says: Yes.

The guy: Do you have a lot of good funny jokes?

Michael: I think I really do, but you know I'm prejudiced!! *eyepop*

Acoustic

11-12-2008, 10:42 PM

http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p141/Scorpion008/DogKodakMoment.jpg

OK group... haven't you all been in the same situation as the dog? You see a nice rack and to hump on it you have to call it 'dear'? Am I right or what??*grin*

graffias79

11-13-2008, 03:58 AM

I wonder if THAT'S what happened to Bambi's mom! They must have cut that part out of the movie.

Scorpion8

11-13-2008, 08:03 AM

I wonder if THAT'S what happened to Bambi's mom! They must have cut that part out of the movie.

Didn't you ever see "Bambi Meets Godzilla"?

Scorpion8

11-13-2008, 08:04 AM

THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME

There was an old coal miner who loved to paint. Sadly, he could not afford canvases. But he found a solution. He would paint on the walls of his house. They soon became covered with his paintings. One day, a group of wayward youths broke in and defaced the paintings. The youths were soon apprehended and arrested for corrupting the murals of a miner.

itlldue

11-13-2008, 09:03 AM

An ornithologist gets word that a once-thought-to-be extinct Foo bird has been spotted near a cave in the deepest rainforest of South America. He immediately assembles a group of the top scientists in the field to go investigate. Upon arrival, they are met by the chief of a local tribe that is hired to lead the expedition to the site. They load their gear and take off. After two days on foot, they arrive at the cave. One of the scientists immediately walks in the cave, and the Foo bird swoops down and craps on him. He runs out of the cave, wipes off the excrement, and falls over dead. The chief then explains that wiping off the "material" will cause immediate death, and there is no known antidote. Believing this to be a local "legend", a second scientist enters the cave. Once again, the Foo bird swoops down and makes it's "deposit". The scientist exits, but decides to let it remain for a bit. After an hour or so, the smell gets unbearable. He wipes it off and falls over dead. The ornithologist is determined to get a photo of the elusive bird, so he grabs his camera and enters the cave. He spots the Foo bird and raises the camera. Just as he shoots the photo, the bird swoops down and once again makes his mark. The ornithologist runs out of the cave, but is so ecstatic over getting the photo that he figures he can live with the smell. They head back to camp. After two days, the crap dries, and the smell all but disappears. Figuring he's in the clear, he wipes the remainder off. Almost instantaneously, he falls over dead.

The moral of the story:

If the Foo sh*ts, wear it.

itlldue

11-14-2008, 01:27 PM

Tommy O’Connor goes to confession and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What have you done, Tommy O’Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you, Father. Please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No, Father. Please forgive me for my sin, but I really cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No, Father. Please forgive me."

"Well, then, it has to be Sarah Martha O’Keefe."

"No, Father. Please forgive me."

A minute later, Tommy walks out to the pews, where his friend Joseph is waiting.

"What did ya get?" asks Joseph.

"Five Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three promising leads."

itlldue

11-15-2008, 01:40 PM

Darn.................

Scorpion8

11-15-2008, 02:49 PM

Darn.................

Well, there goes my whole basis of religion ....

Fairchild

11-26-2008, 03:56 AM

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,

drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady

from across the street was so outraged that she came over and

shouted at me, 'You should be hung!'

I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold

foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared

directly into the eyes of this nosey ass neighbor and then calmly

replied, 'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'

Jim

itlldue

11-30-2008, 05:50 PM

Two young boys are playing marbles on the sidewalk in front of a wh*re house. A man walks up, knocks on the door, hands the lady $20, and goes in. After about 20 minutes, he leaves with a big smile on his face. The boys look at each other, then continue their game. Another man walks up, knocks on the door, hands her $20, and goes in. He leaves after about 30 minutes with a big smile on his face also. This goes on a few more times, and one boy asks the other, "What do you suppose is going on in there that makes them so happy?" The other boy says, "I don't know, but it costs $20. Maybe we can find out!" They empty their pockets and come up with a total of 14 cents and eight marbles. They knock on the door. The lady answers, sees the two boys and asks, "What do you kids want?" One of the boys answers, "We want some of whatever it is that makes those men smile!" She replies, "Go play somewhere else. Besides, it costs money." The other boy open his hands, shows her the 14 cents and eight marbles, and says "We have money!" She decided it's time to teach the boys not to play in front of her house, so she takes the "pay" and lets them in. As soon as she closes the door, she opens her housecoat, grabs both of their heads, and starts rubbing them around in her crotch. After about 5 minutes of rubbing and grinding, she lets go. The one boy looks at the other and asks, "Well what do you think?" The other rubs his eyes for a second, then says, "Not bad, but I don't think I could take $20 worth!!!"

stuwee

12-02-2008, 02:41 PM

This is just a portion of the crazyness that goes on CL down here http://tucson.craigslist.org/ele/942362634.html
One misstep and they jump your ass...*scratchchin* maybe I should use that to my advantage!

Web Police

12-02-2008, 07:46 PM

This one's for stuwee after eating all that Halloween candy. *grin*

http://lc.fdots.com/cc/lc/2e/2e7d359218055f5ba4477bcd6c179e67.gif

stuwee

12-02-2008, 08:35 PM

*lmao**lmao* *yikes* *upyours* but I got -noteeth- !! Just a little *tongue**tongue*

Fairchild

12-09-2008, 05:34 AM

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negl igee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fu_ked out of my peaches.'

Jim

itlldue

12-12-2008, 08:25 AM

.

. Fox Hat (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfMUwCKtWMI)

itlldue

12-14-2008, 01:40 PM

An older gentleman and his 25 year old girlfriend walk in to a ritzy jewelry store late one Friday evening. The clerk asks is he can be of assistance, and the man says, "We don't want to look at this storefront jewelry -we want to see the NICE stuff!" The clerk obliges, and brings out a tray of jewelry priced from $20,000.00 up. The man instructs the girl to pick out whatever she likes. Squealing with delight, she chooses a $50,000.00 diamond and ruby ring. "We'll take this one." says the gentleman. "How will you be paying for this?" asks the clerk. The man replies, "By personal check". The clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but it's too late for me to call the bank and verify the funds. I'll have to hold the ring until Monday." "No problem", replies the man, and he and his lady leave the store arm-in-arm.

The clerk calls the bank first thing Monday, then calls the man. "I'm sorry, sir," says the clerk "But there's less than $100.00 in that account".

The old man replies, "I'm aware of that. Now ask how my weekend went!!!"

Scorpion8

12-18-2008, 11:10 AM

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
' Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ralph! Wake up. You crapped the bed!'

Fairchild

12-19-2008, 10:44 AM

Joe was out in his backyard trying to fly a kite. Every time he would get it up in the air it would turn and dive straight into the ground, after watching Joe crash his kite into the ground 3 times in a row his wife opened the window and shouted

"Joe, you need a little tail"

Joe replied "What?"

The Wife responds "You need a little tail"

To which, Joe responds "Would you please make up your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

Jim

Clifselina

12-22-2008, 03:24 PM

Gynecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $60,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now."

Rat44

12-27-2008, 12:20 PM

On a tour of Florida,the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sight seeing.He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.A helpless man wearing a Toronto Maple Leaf jersey was struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 25foot shark.
As the Pope watched horrified,a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Detroit Redwings jerseys aboard.One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side.The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Toronto fan from the water.Then using baseball bats,the three heroes in Red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach."I give you my blessing for your brave actions" he told them. " I heard there was some bitter hatred between Leaf and Wings fans,but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off the harpooner asked his buddies ,"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" the harpooner replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said,"he may have access to God's wisdom,but he doesn't know much about shark fishing.....how's the bait holding up?"

Naknut

12-27-2008, 12:58 PM

*lmao**lmao**lmao*

itlldue

12-27-2008, 02:45 PM

What do you call 40 people in Detroit watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs on TV?

The Redwings!!

vinyldavid

01-05-2009, 07:39 PM

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being,
which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

braxus

01-05-2009, 08:15 PM

That guy has quite the thinker on his head, plus one HELL of a sense of humour. :)

itlldue

01-15-2009, 06:10 PM

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No Rack
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very "friendly" person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

itlldue

01-18-2009, 11:31 AM

A farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?", the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't", the boy replied. "He went into town".
"Well", said the farmer, "Is yer Mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad".
"How about your brother Billy Bob?" Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad".

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad".

"Well", said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.
It's about your brother Billy Bob getting my daughter pregnant".

The boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Billy Bob".

Scorpion8

01-27-2009, 12:37 PM

Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids.........

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

********************

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

itlldue

01-27-2009, 02:30 PM

Johnny goes to his first day in psychology class. The teacher steps to the front of the room and says, "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up." After a minute or two, Johnny stands up. The teacher looks at him and says, "So, you think you're stupid?" Johnny says, "Well, not really, but I felt kinda sorry for you standing there all by yourself."

itlldue

02-04-2009, 12:59 PM

A woman is helping her husband set up a new computer, and it comes to the point where it asks for a password. Not knowing what that means, he asks her to explain. She tells him that is his secret "key" to access the computer. Being a little of a wise@$$, he goes for a little shock effect and types in
P E N I S

The wife about falls off her chair laughing when a little window pops up that says:

"Password Denied - Too Short"

itlldue

02-17-2009, 10:00 AM

An man gets invited over to an elderly couple's home for dinner. He's amazed that after being married for over 60 years, the man, throughout the evening, refers to his wife as "dear", "sweetheart", "honey", etc. When she steps into the kitchen to do the dishes after dinner, the guest says, "Well, I'm impressed with your little terms of endearment you use when talking to your wife!" The husband takes a look over his shoulder, then turns back and says, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 8 years ago, and I'm half afraid to ask the old bitch what it is!"

Naknut

02-21-2009, 06:32 PM

After many years of married life, a man finds that he is no longer able to
perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him
to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink
confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." And he
refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame
and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says,
"This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you
have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and
it will go down. But be warned: after that, it will not work again for
another year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise
his wife. He can't wait to go to bed. They get in bed and he says, "123",
and just like magic, he gets an erection.

His wife rolls over and says, "What did you say '123'for?"

Naknut

02-21-2009, 06:39 PM

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid
of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid
of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed
him by his "weenie". With a death grip in place, she said, "You know,
if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the
postman, the pool man, and your brother."

Naknut

02-21-2009, 06:47 PM

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from
days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous
And clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was
the host asking the questions, of course. Please note: most, if not all, of
those answering the questions are (now) DEAD!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

Acoustic

03-04-2009, 08:14 PM

Close to Home
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/uc/20090304/scl090304.gif

I was wondering how those satellite radio things work!!! Now I know! *grin*

itlldue

03-05-2009, 08:29 AM

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Naknut

03-05-2009, 08:53 AM

close652

03-05-2009, 02:08 PM

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE (Tapeheads.net version):

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and bought all hi-fi gear he wanted and hoards of tapes and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Web Police

03-05-2009, 03:11 PM

KatCassidy

03-05-2009, 07:18 PM

Actually, My Mum told me the world's shortest fairytale when I was a kid. It went:

Once upon a time they lived happily ever after. The end.

stuwee

03-08-2009, 04:56 AM

http://tucson.craigslist.org/rnr/1064940962.html

*eyepop**lmao**lmao* ^^^

Web Police

03-08-2009, 08:20 AM

*lmao**lmao*

itlldue

03-08-2009, 02:31 PM

A lady notices that her dog seems to have trouble hearing, and decides to take him to the vet. The Vet finds that the problem was hair in the dogs ears. He cleans both ears, and the dog hears fine. The vet then proceeds to tell the lady that, if she wants to keep this from recurring, she should get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. She stops at the local drug store on the way home to pick some up.

The druggist says to her, "If this is your first time using this product, I suggest you don't use deodorant for a few days, as it can cause irritation.

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm
using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for about a week.

Scorpion8

03-09-2009, 10:26 PM

LOVE THE IRISH

The Trout, The Whole Trout, And Nothing But The Trout, So Help Me Cod.

The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman
started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

***********************************************

The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

***********************************************

Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty
wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************

The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

***********************************************

Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old
lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular
genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without
giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean
into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire
sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

***********************************************

The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

(And saving the best for last...)

**************************************************

You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said
that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he
decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he
tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head
hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO
YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Fairchild

03-11-2009, 07:41 AM

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n43/Virago_1986/3deer.jpg

Jim

stuwee

03-11-2009, 08:39 AM

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n43/Virago_1986/3deer.jpg

Jim

I'm not the only one !!

*eyepop*

JaeTee

03-11-2009, 08:45 AM

FOUL! That pic is totally photoshopped!

Fairchild

03-11-2009, 09:30 AM

FOUL! That pic is totally photoshopped!

Yep, but it still gets looks on the back of my shirt from the Trading Post Tavern in Oakford. Sometimes things like this happen when alcohol is introduced to the situation.

They laid all three out on the ground and took the original picture first.

Jim

JaeTee

03-11-2009, 10:03 AM

Here is my slight edit... maybe just a tad more believable... That area between the legs of the two bucks was a massive blur, using detail from other parts of the pic, I just cloned some detail there and on the legs (also blurry) to give a bit less obvious prior manipulation.

Its a cool pic. If you have that on a t-shirt, I bet it does get some laughs...

Scorpion8

03-12-2009, 08:12 PM

Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other ."Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping,........

.... den Knute parrotshooting.

...........And now Lars, hengliding!"

stuwee

03-15-2009, 02:06 AM

http://phoenix.craigslist.org/cph/rnr/1075624833.html

braxus

03-15-2009, 08:09 AM

Ham Bush... Harr harr harr. :P :)

stuwee

03-15-2009, 10:16 AM

Ham Bush... Harr harr harr. :P :)

Oh, the joke, I thought you were talking about my new avvie....

itlldue

03-22-2009, 09:17 AM

A man suffers a serious heart attack, has emergency bypass surgery, and awakes from the operation to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he is recovering, the nun who runs the office questions him regarding payment for his treatment.

She asks if he has health insurance. In a raspy voice, he replies, "No health insurance."

The nun asks if he has money in the bank. He replies, "No money in the bank."

The nun asks, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He says, "I only have a spinster sister, and she's a nun, too."

The nun becomes very agitated, and announces loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replies, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

itlldue

03-24-2009, 04:56 PM

For Stuwee...........:)

An international flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather "snooty" looking woman of obvious wealth hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, BITCH!!"

stuwee

03-26-2009, 06:43 AM

vinyldavid

03-26-2009, 01:38 PM

A Greek and an Italian were argueing who had the greatest cultural history. The Greek said "we built the Acropolis." "Ah," said the Italian "but we built the Colossium."
"We introduced mathematical thought" said the Greek. "We established systems of government that still exist today and established the Roman Empire" was the response.
"Well," said the Greek, "we pioneered the concept of sex for pleasure." "True enough," said the Italian. "But we introduced it to women"

itlldue

03-27-2009, 12:12 PM

A wife, a little disappointed in her husband's lack of "romantic interest", decides to try something rekindle his interest. She stops at one of those sexy lingerie stores and buys a pair of crotchless panties.

One evening, she feels exceptionally "needy", so she showers, puts on his favorite perfume, and dons a sexy negligee with the new panties on underneath. She saunters in the room, steps in between him and the television, lifts one leg up on the arm of his chair, opens the negligee, and says, "would you like a little of this?"

He takes a peek, looks at her, and says, "Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!"

Naknut

03-27-2009, 12:24 PM

*lmao**lmao**lmao* Good one!!

Acoustic

03-27-2009, 07:11 PM

I knew there have been some flooding problems goin' round. But I heard that in addition to that in one town two dykes were breached!! *eyepop*

Acoustic

04-07-2009, 06:15 PM

I thought this one was funny:

http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss195/Acoustik/cp56d747dd6c68561a2f649c031f77f504.jpg

Fairchild

04-09-2009, 05:48 AM

*Little girl and the motorcycle *
Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day,
when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey , do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of
Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a
ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley
...YOU RIDE IT!!"

gamve

04-09-2009, 06:08 AM

Shouldn't that read "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Honda ...YOU RIDE IT!!" LOL

Fairchild

04-09-2009, 06:11 AM

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago & it was just that one day..

The End

Fairchild

04-09-2009, 06:13 AM

Shouldn't that read "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Honda ...YOU RIDE IT!!" LOL

Depends on your point of view.*grin*

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n43/Virago_1986/PICT0432-1.jpg

Jim

gamve

04-09-2009, 04:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamve
Shouldn't that read "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Honda ...YOU RIDE IT!!" LOL
Depends on your point of view.

Okey Dokey...different strokes and all that

Fairchild

04-10-2009, 03:11 AM

My other bike is a Yamaha. As long as the wind is in your face. http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n43/Virago_1986/motorcyclesmilie.gif

It is like the Ford vs Chevy thing, the only thing they can agree on is that they don't like Dodges.*grin*

Jim

Fairchild

04-10-2009, 03:15 AM

Back to the jokes.

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a
strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off,
and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom
of the problem,
And tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold!

Jim

vinyldavid

04-12-2009, 01:53 PM

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/color_codes.png

braxus

04-13-2009, 08:55 AM

Here's a good ol' Canadian joke:

N ever choke in a pub in Newfoundland :)

Two newfies walk into a pub. While having
a shot of whiskey, they talk about their
moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,
who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
And, after a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the newfies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes
her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya
breathe?' The woman begins to turn
blue and shakes her head no.

The newfie walks over to the woman, lifts
up her dress, yanks down her drawers and
quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a
violent spasm and the obstruction flies
out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe
again, the Newfie walks slowly back to the
bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd herd
of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but
I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'

braxus

04-13-2009, 08:58 AM

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
What happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there on my swing on
My front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man came creeping up on
The porch, and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
My Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and
Excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that
I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

braxus

04-13-2009, 08:59 AM

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde,female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible

for the crabs staying frozen,mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded

to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to

the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,

please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

braxus

04-13-2009, 09:00 AM

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

stuwee

04-16-2009, 06:03 PM

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know the
difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are
listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being met by your husband with a broom, and having the
guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of colone and beer, a hickey on your neck,
slapping your husband on the butt and having the balls to say:
You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

stuwee

04-21-2009, 07:21 PM

Harold is 95 and lives in a Gay Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Sam, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Sam and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

He asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Sam exclaims, 'You old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head.'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if Another man could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Sam, who unzips his trousers, removes his penis and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Sam would hold Harold's penis.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Sam decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. He walked around the Senior Citizen Home where he found him sitting by the pool with Alex, another male resident, who was holding Harold's penis!

Furious, Sam yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Alex have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied..... ...'Parkinson's.'

Sam can be changed to Samantha you get the drift....*pork*

Acoustic

04-21-2009, 07:38 PM

Bob (79) and Carol (77) live in a heterosexual Senior Citizen Home *Spin* and while watching TV in the lounge start reminiscing about each others past. After a few exchanges of things like walks in the park (her) and going to sporting events (him)... they do get to the subject of sex and both agree they miss the excitement of spontaneity. After a few seconds of looking into each others eyes... they head for the linen closet. As they kiss... Bob has most of Carols shirt off when she says "Oh Bob, I've got acute angina"..... Bob's reply... "I sure hope so because those are the ugliest tits I've ever seen!!!!" *eyepop*

Good one Stu... made me think of that oldie of mine!!!

vinyldavid

04-21-2009, 08:11 PM

A man sits in a bar, reading a newspaper. Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by another man: "Excuse me sir, but do you know Mrs. Appleblossom?"

The man folds up his newspaper, coughs slightly and replies: "just a moment sir", after which he takes out a little black notebook. "A, A, A... [finding the name in the book] yes, actually I do know Mrs. Appleblossom.".

He puts the notebook back into his inside pocket picks up the newspaper and continues reading. The other man taps his shoulder again: "Excuse me sir, but have you been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom?"

The first gent puts the newspaper down again, finds his notebook and checks: "B, B, B... ahh, yes, I have been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom"

He starts putting the notebook away when he once again is tapped on the shoulder: "Excuse me sir, but I am Mr. Appleblossom, and I am very disappointed"

"D, D, D... ahh... yes sir, so was I!"

stuwee

04-21-2009, 09:16 PM

I don't think I'll sleep very well tonight.

itlldue

04-22-2009, 08:27 AM

87 year old Earl is getting a little too old to take care of himself, so his son talks him into a 30 day trial at a local "clothing optional" rest home. After registration, Earl disrobes and takes off walking down a sidewalk, when out jumps a nude woman wearing a nurse's cap. Earl is obviously "aroused" by the stranger, and she proceeds to get on her knees and "relieve his tension". Earl is ecstatic, and runs back to the lodge to catch his son. He tells him about the episode, and instructs him to pay for a full year in advance.

Earl heads down the sidewalk again, but drops his sunglasses. When he bends over to pick them up, a nude male hops out from behind the bushes and "has his way" with Earl. Earl returns to the lodge, requests his clothes, and tells his son to take him home. His son asks why, and Earl recants the second episode.

His son says, "Hey that might just have been an isolated incident! Look how much fun you had earlier!"

Earl replies, "You don't understand - I only get a h@rd-on once every two or three weeks, but I drop my sunglasses at least five times a day!"

stuwee

04-23-2009, 07:49 AM

TAX TIME

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions "He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

itlldue

04-23-2009, 06:05 PM

A small boy is riding his new bicycle on the streets of Boston the day after Christmas. He rides up beside a mounted policeman who instructs him to pull over.

"That's a nice bicycle. Did you get it from Santa?" asks the cop.

"Yes, I did", answers the boy.

"Well, it doesn't have a red reflector on the rear. Next time, tell Santa to make sure it's legal.", and proceeds to give the boy a fixit ticket.

The boy looks at the cop and says, "That sure is a nice horse you have. Did you get it from Santa, too?"

The cop answers, "Yes, I guess so."

The little boy looks and says, "Next time tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath, instead of top!"

Fairchild

05-08-2009, 10:25 AM

STUD ROOSTER A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud
rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart,
time for you to retire..'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens???

Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens
over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old
rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Doggoneit...... third gay rooster I
bought this month.

'Moral of this story? - Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION... age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Jim

stuwee

05-10-2009, 09:13 AM

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

gamve

05-25-2009, 09:52 PM

Thought everyone might enjoy this !!!

The story of Rindercella and her sugly isters..... Ronnie Barker R.I.P.
----------------------------------------------------------

In memory of a great man. Ronnie Barker, RIP.

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie

Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how

many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed

of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting

through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your

pants] as you read ...

--------------------------------------------------------

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits,

and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary

Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really

forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters

had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let

Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She

turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with

six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight

otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"

said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so

dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door

and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted

her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the

prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on

both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking

ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince

lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a

follen swanny.

gamve

05-26-2009, 04:43 PM

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin .When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the
bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your great loss.'

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'

vinyldavid

06-02-2009, 09:17 PM

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a
sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and
grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "....Dddooo
youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do
have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt t twoo inchesss Ththiickk...aaand
rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

She asks: " ....Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn
ttthe ssunoooffabbiatch oooofffffffffff?

vinyldavid

07-17-2009, 09:39 PM

With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line- this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

itlldue

08-01-2009, 01:15 PM

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of scotch that's 79 years old. The bartender finds a 20 year old bottle and pours the shot and serves it. The man takes a sip, spits it out, throws the glass, and says, "That's only 20 years old - I want 79 year old scotch." The bartender decides to humor the guy, and scrounges a part of a bottle that's 52 years old. He pours the shot. The man tastes it, spits it out, throws the glass, and says, "That's only 52 years old - I want 79 year old scotch!" The bartender figures he just made a lucky guess, and starts scrounging. He finds a part of a bottle that's 78 years old - one year difference - he CAN'T tell the difference. Sure enough, the guy tastes it, spits it out, throws the glass, and exclaims, "That's only 78 years old! I want 79 year old scotch! If you haven't got it, I'll take my business elsewhere!" Now the bartender is convinced that the man know his stuff, and goes in the back room. He finds an old dusty bottle that's 79 years old, with about a shot left. He pours the shot. The man sips it, smiles, and says, "Thank you! That's 79 years old. If you would have brought this in the first place, we could have avoided all of this!"

Down at the end of the bar is a drunk who's been watching the whole time. He stumbles up to the man and says, "Hey, mishtur, you think yer pretty good, dont'cha?"

The man says, "Well, yes, I take pride in being able to tell the age of my liquor by the taste!"

The drunk hands him his glass and says, "Here, try thish!

The man tastes is, spits it out, throws the glass, and says, "Holy crap, that tastes like pi$$!"

The drunk smiles and says, "It is - how old am I?"

itlldue

08-03-2009, 09:00 AM

A cowboy shows up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at him and says, "Well, sir, what have you done in your life worthy of entrance to Heaven?"

The cowboy thinks for a minute, then says, "Well, I drove into town once, parked my pickup, and heard what sounded like a girl screaming. I looked up and saw a group of biker dudes in a circle, and it sounded like the screams were coming from there. I walked over and saw what looked like their "leader" holding this poor scared lady on the ground. He was just starting to tear her clothes off when I spotted this big stick laying on the ground, so I picked it up and ran over there. Just as the dude was about to rip her blouse off, I whacked him across the back of the neck with the stick. He turned around to look at me, and I kicked him right square in the chops. He tried to get up, and I kicked him again in the "jewels, and when he bent over, I hit him with the stick again. The girl got up and ran off, and I turned around to his buddies and said, 'If any of you want some of this, come and get it!' "

St Peter gasps in awe, then says, "I am speechless! When did this happen?"

The cowboy answers, "Oh, about five minutes ago."

4tified

08-03-2009, 09:36 AM

braxus

08-03-2009, 09:17 PM

Did Prince Phillip fart? The expression on the queen in the last one is priceless.

Acoustic

08-20-2009, 06:17 PM

http://www.phonographia.com/SourcePhonoToons/GL8-29-90%20500.jpg

Charlie Parker's Private Hell

braxus

10-18-2009, 09:06 PM

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a
lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.

“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents.

“Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?” The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,

Well, two Wongs don’t make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong

Acoustic

10-18-2009, 09:18 PM

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

Sum Ting Wong

Eeeeewww! We're they brother and sister??? Not only was Sum Ting Wong, rats was really Wong. *eyepop*

Pentium100

10-19-2009, 02:43 PM

OK, I'll try to translate some:

===========
A sign in a Marshrutka (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshrutka)

"Do not ride standing up - the police requires that the number of dead do not exceed the number of seats."
"The complaint book is in the marshrutka in front of this one."
"Contest 'Who will slam doors the loudest' has ended. Thank you to all participants."
"Passengers, who refuse to pay for the ride will be tied to the back of this bus and will run until the driver is morally satisfied."
"The driver is not an octopus and cannot give change to everyone simultaneously."
"Tell about your intentions to get off before, but shout like you have passed your stop 5 minutes ago."
"No not bang the doors, they may break and fall on your leg."
===========
A married couple was invited to a masked party, but the wife had a headache and told the husband to go there alone. She took some medicine, slept for an hour and was feeling just fine. Since it wasn't very late, she decided to go to the party. The husband did not know what costume his wife would wear, so she though it would be fun to watch her husband when he does not know it. When she entered the dance hall, she saw her husband not missing any chance to dance with women. She decided to get close and try to seduce him. She allowed him everything, after all, she was his wife. Finally he whispered a suggestion, she agreed and they went to a car... Before midnight, when the taking off of the masks was planned, she said goodbye, went home, threw away the costume, went to bed and waited for her husband. When he came back she asked how was the party.
- "Nothing special," - he answered - "you know that I am not happy when you are not near me".
- "Did you dance a lot?", she asked.
- "Not at all", - he answered - "after arriving there I met Tom and a few other friends, we went to the other end of the hall and played poker all the time. But you won't believe what happened to the guy that borrowed my costume..."
===========
Soldiers are being trained to jump with a parachute from a plane. Test flight. First jump, but the parachute does not open. The soldier sees a man flying up and asks him:
- Hey! Do you know how to open a parachute?
- No, I work with mines.

sorry if they are not funny.